Wednesday, December 12, 2007

What’s the difference between Merry and Jolly

from "Simon's Sorrows"

So what’s the difference between Merry and Jolly you ask?

Are they not but two adjectives meaning the exact same thing?

In the confusing muddled mush that is the English language where there are such sillinesses as silent gh’s stuck in the middle of words, and words that contain no vowels and are then forced to utilize the ridiculous “but sometimes y” rule, do we really need adjectives that mean exactly the same thing? I wish it were that simple.

While on the surface these two adjectives appear to mean the same thing, under further examination they are quite different.

A simple deconstruction of Christmas carols (where the two adjectives became famous) will shed some light on the answer and thus lead us from the dark times we are in now, thinking these two words are twins of one another. This is actually quite far from the truth.

Let’s look at merry.

If you’re anything like me, the words that come to your mind while thinking of the word merry are happy, jubilant and joyful.

And with jolly, my mind is instantly filled with happy, jubilant and joyful thoughts. So where’s the difference?

Let’s look at the carols.

“We wish you a merry Christ-mas”

Focus on what follows the word merry. Christ-mas. A direct reference to Christianity.

“T’is the season to be jolly, fa la la la la. Deck the halls with boughs of holly”

An eruption of singing, followed by instructions to deck something.

How could we be so blinded to only see the happiness of these two words.

One is conservative, and while happy in nature, designed to create a solemn reference to a religious icon.

The second, steeped with a vibrant energy, complete with song and violence.

Never again will I confuse these two “happy” words.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Australia Ditches "Down Under"

The continent Australia has decided collectively to lose the "down under" nickname.
Apparently the sexually suggestive nature of the name just became too much for the rest of the world to deal with.

In a recent interview Australian Prime Minister John Howard states that, "Years and years of use, has turned into constant abuse! You don't think that we've heard every single "what's going on down under" joke there is don't you? It was funny for a moment but now this has gotten bloody ridiculous. I can't go to the corner store without someone coming up to me and saying, "How are things down under?" in reference to my privates. That is not the type of world I want my children to grow up in."

Australians across the continent are upholding the decision. An all out ban on the use of the words "down under" has been placed on the community.

Howard stated that he is determined to make the rest of the world recognize that Australia is not just a bunch of potty humour. He has vowed to make it his mission to ensure that while Australia may seem to be on the bottom half of the world to the rest of civilization, they certainly wont be the bottom end of dirty jokes under his watch.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Overdoing It On The Condiments

from "Simon's Sorrows"

I began my lunch hour today like every other lunch hour...waiting in line at some fast food restaurant trying to decide whether or not I wanted micro-waved chicken or fish, perhaps even a burger that has been dropped on the floor. For some people these types of thoughts might be bothersome, but for me, not so much.

I will gladly gulp down micro-waved poultry and bacteria infested beef and I'll do it with a smile (which is free).

But the one thing I am getting sick of is everyone overdoing it with the condiments.
I can't begin to tell you how much it disturbs me to watch people squeeze the life out of packet after packet of ketchup trying to drown their sorrows in sugary tomato paste.

It's even worse watching people plunge nuggets elbow deep into honey mustard containers, and don't even get me started on the sweet and sour sauce!

Are the days of salivating over a chicken sandwich that doesn't require the janitorial department to clean up its mess over?

You can't pull the wool over my eyes', I see what's going on. It's blatantly obvious that the American government has realized they are in a desperate time.

For decades now the western world has reigned supreme utilizing the pillars of industry to develop their way of life, relying on the ever important black gold...oil.

Scientists have been warning us that we're depleting our resources, and no one has done anything...

...or so we thought.

Could it be that the age of oil is over and the age of the condiment is here?

Is it a coincidence that the three largest condiment producers in the world are all American companies?

It appears that George Bush and his conglomerates have shifted their focus and began the shift of having the American economy driven by the condiment industry.

Subliminal advertising has been taking place for years "suggesting" that you put more and more sauce on everything you eat. Before you know it we'll just be downing the whole bottle, fuck the burger!

So drown your hotdog in mustard, toss a little more mayo on your sandwich, but while you're doing it salute the flag because you're being a good American.

So drown your hotdogs in mustard, your ketchup

Friday, August 17, 2007

Neighbour Plans to Have Cat's Neutering Reversed

from "Headlines"

In a press conference earlier this morning Sheila Jackson announced that her neighbour is planning to have her pet cat Slinkie's neutering reversed.

Jackson stated that, "It came to my attention that she wanted to have the unusual surgery done when she asked me if I knew of anyone who performed Feline Neutering Reversals."

It is unclear as to what the exact motive is for why the neighbour wants to reverse the operation, but one possible motive is to breed the cat.

Slinkie (14), had previously been declared as the biggest cat in all the land by his owner, Jackson's neighbour. Recently Jackson discovered that the neighbour had found another cat equal in size and proportion to Slinkie, and Jackson believes that the neighbour plans to breed the two giant Calico's to create a type of "mega-cat".

The neighbour was contacted for clarification but he refused comment, and walked away from reporters with a jacket over his head. Slinkie also refused comment but did emit a large "mrrrrrrrr" as reporters were leaving.

An interesting twist to the story came when it was uncovered that Cat Neutering Reversal surgeries are actually not scientifically possible.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

from "In The Heat Of The Night"

Scarlet, I've just got to tell you...

I don't think I'm ready.

Scarlet rushes over, "What are you saying Will?"

"I know that its been months and months, and your mom is telling you to let go of me, but I swear there's something going on here. It's not just like we met in the middle of a street or something, I mean we've got something magic here. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think I'm going to take that position in Old El Paso.I know it's far but we can manage the distance can't we? I mean...we've come this far, can't we go a little bit further?"

"Will,you know what I've always said about distance. It's not how far there is between us, but the intensity of our love that matters. If you need to take that job in Old El Paso then you take that job. I will follow you, with all of my argyle sweaters and fancypants,Hell, they aint doing me no good here.And we'll make a change Will! We will make a change!

Thursday, August 2, 2007


From "Simon's Sorrows"

When I am in a situation where I'm meeting new people there are a few things that I do each time as a way of trying to get a grasp of who it is that I am talking with.

Without a doubt the most informative one is "What kind of music do you listen to?"

The magnitude of responses is infinite and often times uninteresting. Most people will say "I listen to everything", really meaning that they don't give that much thought into music.

Others will immediately have a specific sub-genre of music that they jump right into, backyard birthday canonballstyle! These are the types of people who interest me. Because when you hear them tell it to you, it's not about the music, it's about the passion.

There are certain types of music that I haven't been able to understand....yet.
But hearing about them from people who are passionate about music lets you hear through their ears for a minute. When someone is truly passionate about music they appreciate what is going on and how it connects with them regardless of anything else. A country music fan who loves country music talking to a deathmetal rocker who loves deathmetal actually have a lot in common. The level of excitement they share about the music they listen to is the profound beauty in their lives.

Can you believe that some people I asked this question to said "I don't really listen to music"


They don't know what they're missing.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Where Has The Love Gone?

From "Simon's Sorrows"

Doesn't it seem like the world has gradually become less and less friendly?

I look around now and all I see is people being rude to one another. Perhaps a roll of the eyes, or a thumb of the nose, or any other generally offensive gesture. They're becoming more common with each passing day, and I for one am really getting sad about it.

I look at days gone by and say "where has the love gone?"

August 14th, 1945 "Kissing the War Goodbye"

Who hasn't seen this timeless photo of a soldier being swept up in the glorious moment gloriously sweeping a stranger into his arms in a heartfelt embrace.

Can you imagine trying this now?

He is sure to be met with a slap in the face and if he's not lucky a paternity test. Where has the love gone?

August 15th 1969 "Woodstock: 3 Days of Peace and Music"

A country ripped apart by war coming together to celebrate peace and love with music. Naked hippies covered in mud embracing one another in the pouring rain. Does a more romantic image even exist?

30 years later they try this again. The result tractor trailers being lit on fire. And that was in 1999. Try it in 2007? Steroids, Dog Fighting and Match Fixing are bound to be involved, hell you'd probably have a hobo fighting league erupt in the middle of it. The humanity!

Where has the love gone?

I Simon McGuillicutty demand change! I am making it my mission to reverse the evil trends of the past 35 years and bring this world back to the love filled oasis that it once was. And it all starts here.

This August will be known as Random Acts of Love Month.
Feel free to walk up to women on the street and dazzle them with a random act of love.
Ladies you get in on it too.
Don't let fear of commitment or not wanting to make the first move stop you. Walk up to that man on the subway and grab his rear end in the same sort of heartfelt embrace that was captured in time forever in "Kissing the War Goodbye"

Where has the love gone? I don't know, but I tell you this, it is coming back.